The Denial Twist

Note to self: Giving the old lady in the crosswalk the right-of-way while pulling out of your local Stop & Shop after stocking up on vegan delectables at 11am on a Monday morning does not qualify you as "bad to the bone," even if that's what you happen to be blasting from your pickup truck.

Have I found myself in this predicament? Maybe.

Hypothetically if I did, would it make me a better person? Yes. The denial twist: It would help me realize some songs just make you a generic asshole no what you are doing. You could be macrameing mittens for an entire children's hospital but are still guaranteed embarrassment if it is to any of the following: Feel Like Makin Love-Bad Company, Faded-Soul Decision*, Abracadabra-Steve Miller Band, You Sexy Thing-Hot Chocolate, DJ. DJ.-Transplants, a few Bloodhound gang diddies, or any song written by Aerosmith while not on drugs. Pink? I condone consuming illegal substances for dire times as so.




Note to self: Fingerless gloves are more than just a Billy Idol trademark. The denial twist: They are a bond to our society. The glue that holds our community together. These gloves allow us to find a sense of identity in all walks of life and is reminder that we are all human beings.

I've broken society up into five main demographics.

1). Hipsters. What goes hand in hand perfectly with fingerless gloves? A scarf. Hipsters love scarves! A hipster with out a scarf is like a smurf without its color. They worship them so much, it is impossible to separate the two even once indoors. The concept is so non practical- just like fingerless gloves. Wait until American Apparel thinks of this! Oh, too late. Let's review some basic math: 1/2 = 50% of a hipster's haven's merchandise.

2). 8 year olds. Third grades eat this up! Why? What's the best way to tick mom off? Going outside without your coat on! Do you know how upset I was when I had to wear a coat over my Halloween costume? I rebelled for weeks to never wear a coat despite my mother's orders. Eight year olds: here's your chance! Start off small and build your way up to ridiculous from there. Hey, look at any Julie Taymor film.

3). Nondescript Eastern European refugees with a handkerchief tied to a stick who look like they're on the cover of the third Zeppelin album. Have you seen one who didn't pull them off well?

4). YouTube users with names such as XemoXXgothX or Sk8r4life69 who make music videos to Hawthorne Heights and Taking Back Sunday ballads. 'Nough said.

5). Those who are condemned by the wrath of the recession. What's the best way to hold a jagged empty soup can that was once the home of a sole Lima bean which you split down the middle in order to feed you and your dog? With a fingerless glove!

So the next time you smirk at a fellow sporting this overlooked, underrated apparel, remember it's not as pointless as it looks.




Note to self: Start your days off right by waking up to this. The denial twist: You may feel smarter instantly but a little false sense of security never hurt anybody.





*I once had a roommate who kept this on repeat. We didn't work out. (At 1:27, the pain becomes worth it).